Lima Happy Day! Today I dedicate to 4 people in particular XD. The first is Angy, because Sunday was his birthday and I have not had time to dedicate, the latter are natzumi, because today is their birthday, and then there Sarelle, you know that recently had problemini of the finger ... The cover should not just whet; P Well, here we must read beneath the cut ... so eh!
Love. Do you ever think about the past? A united as we were once again when we just let our fingers intertwine to make us smile? Do not look away. I know you think about it. I think about it. I think forever. I wonder what the breaking point, where everything changes. I would go back and change many things ... know Quli was the moment when everything changed, when everything crashes. The moment I felt as if ... I broke everything. There is only one reason that keeps me anchored in my choices, that's why you ... knowing that all of this to me brought to you. But maybe it's just a selfish thought ... if we had never met, I should not ever leave. I find myself asking if it's worse or let it never had the opportunity to tap your fingertips with mine. Run my fingers around the edge of your lips re-creating the perfect design. Watch your eyes, your eyes .. and sad feeling guilty. I was so stupid girl. Everything revolved around my revenge, spite, everything was to my mother .. and now? What is the revenge when you do not then ... when nothing remains?
a photo because THERE ARE SOME 'in changing idiot and I lost it. However, what is COVER, WHERE AND GIULIA Yanes SLINGUAZZANO FREE.
The next night I felt dirty, and I thought that nothing could ever make me go back, I thought that heaven would lose its color if I had not reviewed any more. But he was in front of me. Nonotante more ... I do not know if he understood, if he returned because he wanted to me ... or if it was only a morbid need to unite. I know that there was no need to say a word. The words are deceptive. Are a barrier between us. Only hungry kisses. We left dragging, to the other room, on the bed. We did what we wanted to do long ago. When we finished it was as if nothing had happened, he remade the bed, I made a quick shower. I might have felt guilty towards someone? I had always done everything that the others wanted from me. I had always suffered the events as if watching my life from the outside. But at that moment, and only at that moment, I wanted to do something that was a really for me. I wanted a moment of happiness. But happiness, you know, it's just a drug like another.
became routine ... the same scene every day, like a deja-vu. Kennedy left the house, Yanez arrived, and we parted without a word pulled by what was my adultery. I was almost unaware that I was betraying the only man who until that moment I had showed a little 'respect. But one thought kept haunting my mind ... my father. He had abandoned me, Kennedy could do the same. So why not? Because once I could not be the one to choose? Because I could not give me an alternative? In the end the union between Kennedy and Yanez was a perfect man, a caring and this part of the other beautiful and spirited. I did not expect anything from either of them. I washed all finished, my clothes and preparing dinner for my husband, who came home smiling waiting for the news. What news? Well, baby. Because you were laughing and joking and I five years we'd Kennedy in three nights a week to no avail. But I was basically happy. I did not feel ready to have a child, I had not yet reached my stability, how could I offer it to another human being? But he insisted, was ahead with age, and do not bear the thought of not having an "heir". I smiled, I went to the bathroom and swallowed my pill. Everything was so perfect.
The morning sickness was a bolt from the blue. I had always been careful, and now I'm pregnant, a child ... with two fathers, even a single father, Kennedy, because even if he had been Yanez ... Kennedy was the father. He could give me and my baby all the peace and stability we needed. And then he had always wanted a child, Yanez was not made to be a father ... and then maybe I should have quit after what Kennedy had done for me? When I told him the child went wild with joy ... it was the best gift I could ask him. These were his words ... I swallow this bitter pill, I rolled up our sleeves and decided to learn to be a mother.
Kennedy took me to every visit, every ultrasound was present to see quell'esserino already loved with everything ourselves. I did not want to know the sex, but he insisted to the point that I let him to blurt out the gynecologist. For me it was the same, he wanted a boy, and it was. Inside of me growing a small little man. He spent hours stroking her belly and talking about names ... use the plural in this case was wrong. He was determined to give that name to our child.
"Albert? Giulia, I feel like kicking? This child will be an earthquake of life! "
" Of course I am darling, my stomach is in the small earthquake of life of which you speak! "
" Hey Baby, you will be called Alberto, as your grandfather, like my father. You will be a great man as it is he was, and I will always be with you, to help you become one. "
I smiled, and I knew he really believed in his heart at those words. I knew that the child was important to him ... and in my heart I hoped could be important for "us."
Pregnancy flew, my belly is risen, and I wondered if he was not the only man I'd love a really ay. I avoided the questioning look of Yanez, who perhaps understood the question, but could not find the courage to break the silence that reigned among us to ask the truth, and maybe so take a risk it was not safe to be desired. In my heart I knew who the father was, because even if in terms of statistics could be anyone .. a mother knows. I ate and fed the little life growing inside me, in the midst of this mess and that resentment , not thinking that this would be the first and only time where I could keep it really safe, where I could protect myself with all literally. And even if a thousand negative thoughts filling my head, my pregnancy could not be defined at the bottom hard.
"What is Kennedy? Reduce you to ask for help now? is very nice to see how they can change things ... before that you blackmail me ... now that you need me. You seem so helpless at times ... What is it, you got what you wanted right? Did you get her, you had the son you never could have ... and now you complain because you bastard? After all knew that there was no other way! "
" Shut up old lady! "
" Shut Me? You wanted to marry a couple of years ago, you were just a kid .. now looked ambitious, are not the only one to have made a few mistakes in this life. Accept the child of his betrayal, get rid of the home will be an easy task, is not the time Priam that you do not? Now it's up to you, it could use to silence the truth ... Giulia now you you could lose everything for which you fought so far. Content to scrawl what he is about to be born ... you could not have done better! no, Kennedy, do not do it, nooo! "
My mother in old age seems to leave it with a head ... all those thoughts, those mysteries which had jealously guarded until now seemed to haunt her and give her peace. I heard her speak often with my father, although he could not actually be here. Now they were years that I was trying without success ... maybe if I could meet him, talk to him and me ask you why ... Perhaps at that point avebbe mother found the light of reason. Sometimes in my heart I hoped that madness was due to a sense of guilt for all the little bad things he had done, but now I knew enough to know that it was not the type to be as complicated feelings of remorse. Caressing my belly I was wondering if that child would have taken everything from her resentment towards the world o. .. if she got from my father's will to live. As for me ... I felt myself swaying in my limbo. I was hoping he did not take from me, he had a persoanlità strong enough to cope with adversity. But every mother hopes for this their child.
One morning I felt more tired than usual, and I fell to sleep on the couch, falling into a deep dreamless sleep. I felt the cold feet and a strange feeling of unease ... ammiettere I had feared so much the fact of being a mother ... and now that the moment was approaching the fear was even stronger. I wondered if my mother would have influenced his life as he had done with my ... I was wondering if Kennedy had noticed that not even a bit like him '... I was wondering if Yanezsi would have noticed that this child would have resembled too ... problems were those that did not make me sleep. I never had to do with a baby, never changed a diaper ... too many thoughts, too scared ... too .... pain! No, not now!
I tried to breathe deeply, as I had heard in the film, trying to clear the mind, but ... was impossible! No, I could not become a mother ... them, not in the damn house, not between those people ... that children deserve love, I had to take him away from there! I tried the car keys ready to flee ... I could go to Verona Creek, a friend of mine from high school there would surely have guests .... Kennedy ... how to say it to Kennedy? How could I bring the baby? No, I had to leave ... the pain was getting stronger .... held back a scream ... I kept holding my belly to rummage in the drawer to find those damn keys ... no, they do not find ... a taxy! Yes, I would call a taxy, I still had water broke ... I pretended nothing. I took her purse and went to the door .. pain ... water on the legs that slide ... I looked down .... no, it was not water, it was blood, so, so much blood .... I turned my head, pain, only pain and red everywhere. I turned off.
I stayed in hospital longer than necessary, Kennedy had become paranoid after she found dying on the living room floor. Mum was desperate for the huge stain on the carpeting. I ... I had no eyes for you. You were my little baby and I did not do nothing but watch your blue eyes. I just wanted to protect you from everything that was ugly and evil in this world. When you are with those fragile pressed my index finger I was mistress of the world. Kennedy was very proud to be a dad, I think his office had a picture of us on the desk. While I held you in my arms often approached to talk to you, and I smile because I had to see you found a new strength ... nobody could ever divide us ... no one.
Kennedy had built a small nursery using our little savings. Mom and expenses, crazy had drained our finances. All visits to the psychologist did not need to appease the voices he heard in his head. Your room was just like I wanted to style a little 'retro, but gentle, a thin layer around the cradle which seemed to envelop you, to me you were a little prince. Mom of course could not get close to you that much, given his mental condition would only be dangerous. Misarei not surprised to see her "give her up to Keith." Poor thing ... its abandonment would have hurt her too much.
The night Kennedy and I took turns to change the diaper and give the feed. I had no more milk, and the doctors told me that I could hardly have another child, the birth had been so difficult and dangerous for both ... Kennedy did not seem to mind, you were told that all he wanted, and that I could quietly dedicated to making a mother, without stressareulteriormente my already fragile body. I always blamed for what happened. I mean, if I had not tried to run away and hide but I called the hospital, perhaps you'd be less poor. You were a child so fragile, you get sick all the time, the guilt tore me. However, you smiled at me ... and I was in heaven. You were my little treasure.
After a night to watch your fever again, I woke up. I was dizzy, my head was spinning so absurd and for a moment that I saw smbrò only the fruit of my imagination. The body of my mother, around your crib, lifeless. The mind was still so muffled to prevent me from putting Compleat focus images. I stood trying to regain full consciousness ... I got dragged to brush the wrist and no pulse ... ... eragelido around his head was a blood clot that went down in the face and rigarle .. . I looked at my hands, my nightgown soaked with blood obviously not mine ... and scratched my arms as if I had taken part in a scuffle. I was me? I had killed my mother? I could not remember anything ... the head began to throb in a way unbearable ... I am a murderer ... I lost my baby! In the grip of these thoughts passed out again ...
I dreamed ... or perhaps remembered ... that she and I quarreled heatedly ... I was pissed out of me, she was cold as usual, his eyes vacant, absent. That dream made me just look at the strange scene, I could not understand what we were saying ... million were the reasons that could have a fight like that with my mother, the bitterness between her and me was deep and for too long I kept inside me many things ... but really I would have killed my mother? I was really worse than you? Laego became panic ... I woke up ... I was perfectly clean, my nightgown was immaculate, the bed seemed too perfect ... it was all a nightmare! I was a tremendous desire to run in my mother's room and hugged. Then a thought flashed through my head for ... the litmus test. I looked down on my arms. Bruises everywhere, scratches medicated, but still present. It was not just a nightmare.
"Love how you feel? Is everything okay? "
began to sob without a word .... curling into a fetal position on the bed and covering my head with the blanket ... like I still look in his eyes the man who had done so much to me? He sat down beside me and slowly lifted the sheet ....
"Love, do not worry, everything will be fine. Nothing happened .... as you remember how things went? "
" No. .. I do not remember anything assolutamete "
" do not worry love. I've thought of everything, no one will ever know anything of what has happened in this house tonight. No one ever discovers the truth. "
I got up and slowly squeezed. He loved me despite all, although I was a filthy murderer, he loved me. He had saved our family, and I owed him for this life. Because despite all this I was not able to love him? What was so wrong with me? We kissed passionately the question ... the question ...
I heard cry and ran to you. I noticed that your whole room was in perfect order, even the carpeting was cleaned to perfection. I had previously overestimated the knowledge of Kennedy and the power he had. He had managed to hide a omiicidio within a few hours, and all around seemed to be immersed in the usual quiet. I went to the cradle and I realized that you were already gone back to sleep, I tuck the covers when I saw her. I went to your face and looked at carefully. I wondered how it was possible. On your face, a stain of blood. I tried to wipe it off with a hand gesture, but it came off .... were stained with his blood .... it was as if you were branded! I awoke with a start. You were crying in the other room ... Kennedy still naked and looked close to me ... scansai it gently and put my clothes ... I was afraid to look at your face really see the blood stain.
looked your smiling little face ... Your aguardar innocent ... I wondered if you realized that you had was happening in the nursery ... I wondered if you knew who your mother what it was ... I wondered if I could read my mind and see my cruelty ... and my love for you ... taken by the discomfort I decided it was time to wash and wash. We dipped into the tub, hoping to wash away those memories and the fears that they could mark them for life. I had already failed in my duty to protect ... I wanted to wash away all this pain from your fragile body, every caress could possibly wash away my sin? I thought that as for me ... nothing could have been treated.
That night I woke up a prey to nightmares ... not as desperate ever. Kennedy could not wake up again to take refuge in its embrace ... I could not ask him too. Two years had passed and still the night she seemed to remember that night. He never changed my ways in OMPARISON not treated me like I was the killer ... the only one that I seem to be suffering from ... and although I had you, and love of Kennedy, I still felt terribly alone. So I decided to do it. I picked up the phone and called him ... I had so much to lose and I behaved as if invecenon had nothing to lose. I heard his voice ...
"Come ... mattina.No tomorrow ... not ... come and talk about it. "
Ok ... I know it's short, but tomorrow I finish writing it ... at least you have this, while P Domna really good read ... I update the rest on
