Hysterectomy And Herpes

Help

Now bear with me here - I was hoping for just a little help! I've got some quite colloquial, chatty phrases from a half finished piece of fanfiction I'm writing myself that I need to translate into french. I stopped studying french two years ago and I thought I'd find it easy but alas - I can't do it at all! I was hoping maybe I could get some help here?

Warning, though, virtually all of the phrases in the dialogue are quite crude! What do you expect, two grown men, eh?



I suppose I'll just put them in a big long list and see how it goes!

'You smell like death!'

'What?!'

'Thanks. I’m amazed you put helping me over masturbation.'

'For you, anything,'

'What are you doing? Just because X and Y aren’t here, you’re moping?'

'No, because X and Y aren’t here, I’m sending dirty e-mails to their mothers.'

‘Very grown up'

‘What are you doing? Go back to jerking off, leave me alone,’

‘What’s the matter? Stuck indoors too long? Lonely? You can hardly be lonely, you had another one of your bitches screaming on that bunk the other night,’

‘Please stop talking,’

‘I’m sorry. I’m just scared that one day, all that banging will cause the bunk to break, and I’ll be crushed by you and some blonde slut, and then you’d feel so terrible that you killed your one and only for two minutes of sex,’

‘I don’t last two minutes, you bastard, when you’re with me, two minutes feel like two days.’

‘Prove it,’

‘The bus is making you crazy. Anyway, you win. What is it you want?’

‘Porn is boring when I’m by myself,’

‘Have you walked over here with your jeans down just so I can do it for you? You've got spoiled'

‘No, no – I... I'm just bored’

‘Then go out,’

‘I don’t want to, I'm too tired’

‘Then go to sleep,’

‘You don’t get it. Just come here, will you? I’m just… bored. Really. Really bored.’

‘Only a boring person gets bored'

‘I might have to kill you if you ever say that to me again. Now give me a hug,’

‘This is a terrible hug,’

'Much better,’

‘I’m hugging you and we’re watching porn together. How about we just skip to the end and get married?’

'You have way too many commitment issues for me to marry you. Plus, I never want to see you again after this tour is over, so it’d be pointless,'

‘That’s a filthy lie. You’d miss my hugs,’

'‘You’re right. I would,'

So... yeah! Haha. I know that must seem really strange but if you could just help with a little bit here and there I would be grateful FOREVER.